We've had a lot of rain this year and this spring the eyes see green grass, green trees, colorful wildflowers everywhere, yards and gardens coming to life. Spring is such a rebirth for Mother Earth as well as for all of us, a time to begin anew.
On my ride the other day, the one with the really big hills, I was in awe of the wildflowers. So many colors everywhere you look, God is so amazing in his palette I never cease to be amazed.
The only downside is that my knee is really not well after Cowtown Half and so I am once again struggling to recover. Running is something I am doing less of now. But never fear I am going to an orthopedist here next week and hope soon to be back on my running feet. In the meantime I am walking, cycling, swimming, yogaing (is that a word?), working in the yard, fishing, so as you see I am still very active. It's only the running that seems to bother me...sigh.
However, walking does have some advantages. I've noticed that when I'm walking I tend to see things happening around me more than when I am running. An example follows.
A transition to spring is baseball. Everyone knows this, even those who don't keep up with sports. The local little league teams play close to the walking/bike/running path. It is funny how seeing those little boys out there playing, the brothers and sisters running around and lining up at the concession stand, or playing wallball on the side of the buildings, brings a warm feeling that starts deep down in my heart and builds up to my face where then a smile cannot be suppressed.
Yesterday on the path near the fields was this little boy, maybe 5 or 6, playing a game with his shadow. Jumping up and down trying to throw the shadow off. He would turn and look, jump up, spin around, as if trying desperately to separate himself from the shadow but when he could not he would giggle that little kid giggle that is so contagious. This is the way it should be I thought to myself. Kids need this, the outdoors, the imaginative spirit. Forget the video games, the TV, those things can squash our ability to imagine, to live, to play with our shadows. It was wonderful to see a child doing what children do naturally. Little does he know the affect he had on me.
We never know the affect we have on others. I hope that the affect I have is a positive one! Thank you kiddo for the shadow dance.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
My Adorable Husband
As you can see this blog is not about running, at least not all about running. Reading through some of my blogs from the past I notice that I often leave out the one constant in my life, the one person who is always there for me, who puts up with me no matter what I do, who really really loves me for who I am and not who I think I need to be.
He does run with me, in fact he is the one that many times gets me out the door. He may not know this because it appears that it is the other way around, but knowing that he depends upon me to go run with him keeps me going. Not to mention I want to look good for this man as long as is possible and running is one of the ways I can do that!
So to you my adorable husband, thank you. Thank you for loving me, for helping me through difficult times, for sticking with me through difficult times, and for...well...just being there. I love you!
He does run with me, in fact he is the one that many times gets me out the door. He may not know this because it appears that it is the other way around, but knowing that he depends upon me to go run with him keeps me going. Not to mention I want to look good for this man as long as is possible and running is one of the ways I can do that!
So to you my adorable husband, thank you. Thank you for loving me, for helping me through difficult times, for sticking with me through difficult times, and for...well...just being there. I love you!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Release
Every runner understands how the activity we love is also our way of letting go of those emotions we pent up inside. I imagine anyone who participates in an individual athletic endeavor feels that release as the endorphins take over during our effort.
If you read my blog from April 6 you know that I am struggling with the emotions of an alcoholic family member. If you are are in, or have been in, this situation yourself you understand how horrible it is to see a family member or friend throw their lives away while you watch helplessly without understanding why they are pushing us all away. We've tried to help and yet it's not been successful and now we are told it's time for us to step away. In some ways it's easier to walk away in other ways it's more difficult. In either case it's very sad and confusing.
While many people lose sleep when they are worried or upset, I tend to sleep hard. Sometimes I wonder if it's a form of depression. Last night was one of those nights. The last few weeks have been horrible and yet I've been fortunate to have the distraction of wedding planning and work so that I've been able to really turn the worry over to God. At some point though it caught up to me and last night I found myself exhausted. I slept so hard and more hours than really needed. I woke up to a cloudy gloomy day and only felt more weary.
I planned on running 5 miles today and yet here I sat on the couch wanting to go back to sleep. My experience with running is that even when you don't want to, if you just go out the door and start the experience soon you will be in a different place in your head. That place where your fear and worries ooze out through your pores, the sweat taking them away from your heart and your brain and dumping the toxin into the air where they evaporate into oblivion.
And so we made our way out the door and off to our run. At first it seemed difficult, legs heavy, but even before one mile was up I felt my stress began to leave, I felt my heart lighten. I prayed a conversation with God as I strode along and soon I felt the full release. It occurs to me that giving the credit to running is not accurate. The credit really goes to God who made our bodies to handle stress, emotion, and increase endorphins when we push enough to work out the toxic ideas and thoughts that seep through day in and day out.
The issue still exists, the family member is still in turmoil, I still have to sit and wait to see if he can pull himself out of this hell he has built and calls his life. Only now, after the prayer and run, I am able to focus on keeping MY family healthy. For that I am grateful to God.
If you read my blog from April 6 you know that I am struggling with the emotions of an alcoholic family member. If you are are in, or have been in, this situation yourself you understand how horrible it is to see a family member or friend throw their lives away while you watch helplessly without understanding why they are pushing us all away. We've tried to help and yet it's not been successful and now we are told it's time for us to step away. In some ways it's easier to walk away in other ways it's more difficult. In either case it's very sad and confusing.
While many people lose sleep when they are worried or upset, I tend to sleep hard. Sometimes I wonder if it's a form of depression. Last night was one of those nights. The last few weeks have been horrible and yet I've been fortunate to have the distraction of wedding planning and work so that I've been able to really turn the worry over to God. At some point though it caught up to me and last night I found myself exhausted. I slept so hard and more hours than really needed. I woke up to a cloudy gloomy day and only felt more weary.
I planned on running 5 miles today and yet here I sat on the couch wanting to go back to sleep. My experience with running is that even when you don't want to, if you just go out the door and start the experience soon you will be in a different place in your head. That place where your fear and worries ooze out through your pores, the sweat taking them away from your heart and your brain and dumping the toxin into the air where they evaporate into oblivion.
And so we made our way out the door and off to our run. At first it seemed difficult, legs heavy, but even before one mile was up I felt my stress began to leave, I felt my heart lighten. I prayed a conversation with God as I strode along and soon I felt the full release. It occurs to me that giving the credit to running is not accurate. The credit really goes to God who made our bodies to handle stress, emotion, and increase endorphins when we push enough to work out the toxic ideas and thoughts that seep through day in and day out.
The issue still exists, the family member is still in turmoil, I still have to sit and wait to see if he can pull himself out of this hell he has built and calls his life. Only now, after the prayer and run, I am able to focus on keeping MY family healthy. For that I am grateful to God.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Wounded Knee
Do you get tired of reading about my knee? I know I get tired of writing about it, that's for sure. Well here I am again. A couple of posts ago I talked about my knee and the frustration with it. I'm still healing little by little.
This week I was able to run the Capital 10K on Sunday, then 5 on Tuesday and 5 on Friday. Will run 5 again on Sunday. So it is getting better, it's just time...blah blah blah, that's what they always say! In the meantime I am working on strengthening my quads with specific rehab exercises, cycling, and swimming. And the fun continues.
Today it is pouring rain...I took it easy and took a nice nap just listening to the rain on the tin roof. I feel like I am in the mountains only it is warmer. Nice day to just sit around.
Ok update done, I'm off to clean house :)
This week I was able to run the Capital 10K on Sunday, then 5 on Tuesday and 5 on Friday. Will run 5 again on Sunday. So it is getting better, it's just time...blah blah blah, that's what they always say! In the meantime I am working on strengthening my quads with specific rehab exercises, cycling, and swimming. And the fun continues.
Today it is pouring rain...I took it easy and took a nice nap just listening to the rain on the tin roof. I feel like I am in the mountains only it is warmer. Nice day to just sit around.
Ok update done, I'm off to clean house :)
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Sadness
Today I write about a painful subject, something that is hard to talk about, something I wonder if any of you share.
A close family member struggles with alcholism. After 5 years of sobriety a relapse occurred in October 2009. As a family we gathered together, spent a huge sum of money, and took this person to a top notch facility. Not really an intervention, as help was wanted, but with the understanding that this was the last shot for us, we cannot continue to spend the money for this kind of treatment over and over. Not to mention the emotional toll it has taken on our family.
The treatment went well and all seemed fine until the last two weeks and then we learned this weekend a devestating relapse occured. Now holed up in the condo drinking to a point beyond recognition of the person we know, we can not help. It must come from within and we must stay with our conviction of no more bailing out, now it is up to the alcholic to take action.
The alcholic is more likely to stay sober if they know they can lose those they love and so "tough love" is what seems to work. However, the risk is that before they get to that point they kill themselves either intentionally or by drinking so much their body shuts down. Do you know how hard it is to sit here knowing that this may be the next call we get?
I keep reminding myself that the 5 years of sobriety came from this person's conviction to stay sober, not with our help and so if the mind can get clear enough perhaps the same course will be taken. I have to remain positive, pray, and wonder how someone gets to this point. What is it in the psyche that drives someone to be so down on themselves that they cannot handle the world they live in? This person is a great runner, training for the first triathlon plus two marathons this year. I think perhaps being "driven" is a curse rather than a blessing and when something doesn't work into the course that they plan they simply cannot handle the disappointment.
I try to analyze, and yet it's something I can't figure out, something I cannot control. And so I pray, I hope for the best, and I send my love to the person I do not want to lose.
A close family member struggles with alcholism. After 5 years of sobriety a relapse occurred in October 2009. As a family we gathered together, spent a huge sum of money, and took this person to a top notch facility. Not really an intervention, as help was wanted, but with the understanding that this was the last shot for us, we cannot continue to spend the money for this kind of treatment over and over. Not to mention the emotional toll it has taken on our family.
The treatment went well and all seemed fine until the last two weeks and then we learned this weekend a devestating relapse occured. Now holed up in the condo drinking to a point beyond recognition of the person we know, we can not help. It must come from within and we must stay with our conviction of no more bailing out, now it is up to the alcholic to take action.
The alcholic is more likely to stay sober if they know they can lose those they love and so "tough love" is what seems to work. However, the risk is that before they get to that point they kill themselves either intentionally or by drinking so much their body shuts down. Do you know how hard it is to sit here knowing that this may be the next call we get?
I keep reminding myself that the 5 years of sobriety came from this person's conviction to stay sober, not with our help and so if the mind can get clear enough perhaps the same course will be taken. I have to remain positive, pray, and wonder how someone gets to this point. What is it in the psyche that drives someone to be so down on themselves that they cannot handle the world they live in? This person is a great runner, training for the first triathlon plus two marathons this year. I think perhaps being "driven" is a curse rather than a blessing and when something doesn't work into the course that they plan they simply cannot handle the disappointment.
I try to analyze, and yet it's something I can't figure out, something I cannot control. And so I pray, I hope for the best, and I send my love to the person I do not want to lose.
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