Release

Every runner understands how the activity we love is also our way of letting go of those emotions we pent up inside. I imagine anyone who participates in an individual athletic endeavor feels that release as the endorphins take over during our effort.

If you read my blog from April 6 you know that I am struggling with the emotions of an alcoholic family member. If you are are in, or have been in, this situation yourself you understand how horrible it is to see a family member or friend throw their lives away while you watch helplessly without understanding why they are pushing us all away. We've tried to help and yet it's not been successful and now we are told it's time for us to step away. In some ways it's easier to walk away in other ways it's more difficult. In either case it's very sad and confusing.

While many people lose sleep when they are worried or upset, I tend to sleep hard. Sometimes I wonder if it's a form of depression. Last night was one of those nights. The last few weeks have been horrible and yet I've been fortunate to have the distraction of wedding planning and work so that I've been able to really turn the worry over to God. At some point though it caught up to me and last night I found myself exhausted. I slept so hard and more hours than really needed. I woke up to a cloudy gloomy day and only felt more weary.

I planned on running 5 miles today and yet here I sat on the couch wanting to go back to sleep. My experience with running is that even when you don't want to, if you just go out the door and start the experience soon you will be in a different place in your head. That place where your fear and worries ooze out through your pores, the sweat taking them away from your heart and your brain and dumping the toxin into the air where they evaporate into oblivion.

And so we made our way out the door and off to our run. At first it seemed difficult, legs heavy, but even before one mile was up I felt my stress began to leave, I felt my heart lighten. I prayed a conversation with God as I strode along and soon I felt the full release. It occurs to me that giving the credit to running is not accurate. The credit really goes to God who made our bodies to handle stress, emotion, and increase endorphins when we push enough to work out the toxic ideas and thoughts that seep through day in and day out.

The issue still exists, the family member is still in turmoil, I still have to sit and wait to see if he can pull himself out of this hell he has built and calls his life. Only now, after the prayer and run, I am able to focus on keeping MY family healthy. For that I am grateful to God.